your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
