so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
