So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
