I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
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apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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