You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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