my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
