just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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