I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
