So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
