I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
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she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
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Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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