So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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