A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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