I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.