He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
