my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
