I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
