My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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