You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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