at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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