the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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