I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
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