I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
