At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
