textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
