covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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