Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
