I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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