Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
