how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
