She said her name was "party"
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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