Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
