I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
