Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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