Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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