i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
