just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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