She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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