I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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