If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
