tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
