True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
