he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just blew my weed a kiss
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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