everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
