Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
