Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
