you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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