My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
