it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
