Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Let's get the cat blown out
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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