I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
