I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
