Four minutes until I can fart!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
