He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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