Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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