Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
