His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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