so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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