Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
