Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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